Sunday, December 5, 2010

Lessons from The Manitou

Recently I watched "The Manitou" with my family. I'd seen it once, on late-night tv, when I was about nine, so I remembered bits about what happened, but never realized what great life lessons it teaches. In case you don't want to suffer through... um... don't have the time to see this movie, I've compiled some of the more important things it teaches including an entire section on "Indians."

I'll start with the Native American facts first:

a) "Indians" will fight to the death over anything trivial, but have no need for money.

b) While they don't need money, they sure do need tobacco!

c) They are a soft place to land if something explodes nearby.

d) Medicine men can't work while wearing a thin hospital gown over street clothes.

e) "Full-sized" evil medicine men are dwarfs with amazingly chiseled muscles, yet are blind and can only walk on their knees.

f) Medicine men have trouble finding jogging partners.

And now for the rest of the lessons:


2a)Delay surgery on a large neck growth, because having the growth isn't possible.
2b)Especially if the impossible growth appears to be an extremely fast-growing fetus.
2c)Don't give the patient any information, and send her home.

3)If you are working in an operating room and the patient wakes up from heavy sedation, starts chanting in a foreign language, and the surgeon is psychically forced to cut his own wrist, calmly sit at a nearby computer and type.

4)If a person starts chanting in a foreign language, floats along a hallway, with her feet about six inches off the floor, and is thrown down the stairs by an invisible force, don't worry. She did it to herself.

5)If you don't know what a foreign phrase means, and you are not an expert in languages, do not let that stop you from accurately translating an obscure saying from a culture that died out centuries ago.

6)If an optical laser becomes possessed and starts blasting holes in the walls of the operating room, medical staff will rush to the scene, yet do nothing but crowd the doorway to stop anyone inside the room from escaping.

7)If a possessed patient tells you exactly how to get rid of the thing possessing her, pretend you don't understand and do the exact opposite.

8)You can't stop manitou! Okay, you can, but it's really hard. Well, if you try, it can probably be done.

9)The sacred circle will be destroyed if it is broken... unless it is broken, then it will still work.

10)Don't attack while the enemy is weak, wait for him to gain strength!

11)When running for a flashlight during random power outages, take the elevator.

12)IBM Typewriters explode.

13)"Complicated computer stuff" has its own soul, which can be focused by a "person-to-person call" to make a possessed woman shoot electricity at her demon.

14)Scary music quickly turns to Star Trek music when a dark room fills with stars.

15)Doctors explode when exposed to the reality of the paranormal, and cheesy lightning effects.

16)A demon determined to kill people is easily confused by boobies and loses his ability to aim at still targets.

1 comment:

  1. You have rendered a public service here. I'll hold out for Colin Firth, thenk-yew-veddymuch.